Well, for a long time I’ve had this stuff in my head… not the mental stuff,though I was well used to that in the past.
I was a diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, with comorbid depression. I still am, technically, I guess, but I seem to have recovered.
People tell me that I can’t have recovered, it’s not possible; that schizophrenia is for life, and there’s no cure. They tell me that if I have recovered, then I probably never had schizophrenia in the first place.
What is schizophrenia, though? Is it a disease? Is it a disorder? What is depression?
Schizophrenia seems to be nothing more than a loosely connected set of differing symptoms, none of which are properly understood by anyone, categorised under an umbrella term by people who have no first hand experience, and, for all their good intent, are making a best-guess based on current understanding.
People in my situation, for better or worse, often find themselves with a lot of time on their hands. A lot of time. I made it my mission, my hobby, my goal, to read as much as I could on subjects I saw as relevant to my illness. I started at the beginning, as one should. Quickly, though, I realised that the pace of change and scientific advancement afforded by the increase in mass communication was rendering most of what had been written to the rubbish bin. These days, studies, ideas etc can be published almost instantly, and dissected around the world. This means that dead-end research and lines of investigation which have been tried and dismissed can be avoided. Empiricism has now become collective, and instant. The result is that knowledge and understanding is increasing at an exponential pace.
To those fatalistic enough to resign themselves to a doomed future – have faith. Recovery for you is just around the corner, I can almost taste it.
As for my recovery, read on. Maybe it only works for me, I really don’t know. Having understood everything I reasonably could, to the best of my ability, I came up with a reason – what had caused my illness. I studied how best to address the issues that I imagined were responsible, and put them into practice. All I did was look at the threads, look to the end of the threads, and find the common denominators.
I still accept that there’s a possibility that the whole thing is delusional. I accept the possibility that there is something of a placebo effect mechanism at work. I accept the possibility that I was never truly ill in the first place (although the thought of having wasted thirteen years of my life for nothing is somewhat unsettling).
It feels so different, though.
I hope this place will become a resource to help everyone touched by mental illness. If not, it should at least be an interesting insight into the mind of a crazy person!
I believe it….